When Hope and I decided to adopt, I was very worried. I myself was adopted and wasn't sure about the openness of today's adoptions. I wanted our child to always know where we could be found and to know that we would be there if the child needed us. I didn't want this child to go through what I went through.

The only thing I know about my birthparents is that they are from Dallas, which was where I was brought up. My birth mom was a college student and my birth dad was a banker. That was all I was able to find out through casual conversations with my adoptive dad. I have never met or seen a picture of my birth parents. I don't even know what they look like or if they have any hereditary illnesses that I need to know about.

I found out I was adopted when I was 7 years old driving down the 635 freeway in Dallas with my dad. He casually asked me, "Do you know who your mom is?" And I said, "Yeah, sure it's my Mom, Sue." He answered, "No, you were adopted. Do you know what adoption means?" I said, "Yes." After that I really didn't say anything--I was speechless. He went on to tell me the story of why I was adopted and how he would always be my dad and love me no matter what. After that, the subject rarely came up.

Through out my life in Texas, I would always wonder about my birthparents. While waiting in a line in a store, I would think, "What if this guy in front of me is my birth dad?" "What if this lady driving beside me is my birth mom?" And my friends would always tell me while we were out, "That couple over there could be your birthparents." It gave me a lot to think about.

When I moved to California, I stopped thinking about it as much because I knew that the odds of bumping into them was a lot less, but my curiosity to find out about my birthparents was still there. I had always known who the lawyer was who had handled the adoption because it was stamped to the side of my birth certificate. So, when I was in my early 20's, I got enough nerve to contact his law firm and actually talk to the lawyer who ironically remembered my adoption specifically. I asked him if it was possible to contact my birthparents, and he agreed to go through the paper work and try to contact them. He gave me a call back about three weeks later saying that my birthparents didn't want to be found then, but he said that it was hopeful that maybe in the future, that they would want to be contacted.

So, I try just to live my life and make the best out of my days and hope that when they get ready, they'll contact me. I hope that they will but at the same time, I'm scared because it opens up a whole new world. If I had known them from the beginning, I would have no closed chapters and would know my family heritage. Right now there is so much about myself that I don't even know, but if I did know my birthparents, I would still know that my adoptive parents are my parents with no substitutions. It's just that there is a void in my life to not know where I came from and to have so many unanswered questions.

So considering what I had been through, I was afraid that this child would have to go through the same thing. So when I found out there was such a thing as an open adoption, I was amazed and relieved.

The hardest thing I ever went through in my life was signing the placement papers giving away my rights to be a father. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, it was hard because I was giving away my first child and because I loved her so much. Most of all, this was the first person I had ever met who I was genetically related to.

After a year, it has become a lot easier, and I now get to see my little girl once a year and get pictures and letters as long as it's all right with her. It makes me proud and glad to know how she's doing and knowing that Hope and I had made the right decision.